A million sheets to the wind
by Eviljellybean88
Summary: What’s a bored, chipped vampire supposed to do? Get drunk of course! S4 after the initiative, but before doomed. he was never at buffy's or xander's house after he escaped from the initiative. please read and review. :
1. Chapter 1

What's a bored chipped vampire supposed to do? Get drunk of course! Spike was sitting in his crypt and the credits of Passions were rolling on the screen. Grr… what to do now, he mused. He was down in the dumps over those bloody stupid soldier boys put a chip in his cranium.

Can't bite, can't hit, can't do bloody nothing. He mopped around for awhile trying to think of what he could do. Aw ha! Eureka! I know something I can do that even those damn initiative boys can't take away from me! Geez, way to go Spike, he chastised himself, you're so screwed up ya can't even think straight.

He stepped outside his crypt and yelled into the darkness "I'm gonna get bloody pissed that would I'ma gonna do. "HELL YEAH!" he momentarily shifted in and out of game face before he stalked out into the darkness, intent on finding some innocent beers to prey on.

Heaven or Hell must have been looking out for him cause the first store that he came to was a liquor store and bless it, it was closed for the night and didn't even have an alarm system.

He grabbed one of the two of the baskets an began loading up. Before he was vamped he'd only been a social drinker and a very cheap one at that. Couldn't seem to hold it worth shit. That all changed when he was changed. With all the other perks of being a card carrying member of the undead, came a solid constitution as well. He could easily drink ten times as much as before and could hold it to boot.

There was a downside to all this though, besides being hung over all the time. Since he had a stronger constitution than before, he also had to drink more to get drunk, so that was why he had already loaded up two baskets full and was in the process of loadin' the third when he heard the far out sounds of a police car. Damn bastards must have had a silent alarm.

"Shit" he swore. I'll just go out the back an with any luck fortune will shine on me again he thought as he kicked the back door open and snuck off into the night to enjoy to fruits of his labor.


	2. Chapter 2

Getting plastered in a smelly old crypt was not the way to go he reasoned with his slightly drunk self. Ya have ta go somewhere high, stand up, if that was possible and let your sexy duster make you look like batman. That was why he was currently on top of the highest crypt he could find, alternating between making racecar sounds while pretending to steer and singing a slurred rendition of the batman theme.

This was where Buffy, slayer extraordinaire, spotted him on her to do her evening patrol. Oh great, she thought, tonight I won't just be slaying vamps, I'll be taking care of their drunk asses too. Spike definitely looked like he was more than four sheets to the wind. Was that batman he was singing, hmm… she smiled, him and Xander do have something in common after all.

Spike's back was to her and he was now wriggling he butt to as he said, "oh, no, it's outta control, we're gonna crash" he then preceded to make a horrible screeching sound and fall to the "ground" the top of the crypt, or at least that's would have haven't if he wasn't completely shnackered. As a result of his drunkenness, he fell off the side of the crypt and after emitting a strangled squeak of surprise, landed on the ground and was moaning pitifully when Buffy knelt down beside him.

"Spike, are you okay?" she asked as she rolled him onto his back. He blearily looked up at her and said scrunching his face up in puzzlement, "Huesten, wes havs alls sellvs a pwoblem. Spike's eyes unfocused then refocused on here as he blinked trying to see clearly. "Buff, iz tat reawee youw? Uor are u lik thooss widdle birdyss tat go arounds yours hed wen tuh cartooms git hid ober tuh hed wit shtuf?" Buffy had to smile at that. "No, Spike, I'm real and I'm right here." His face broke out in the grin that is worn by so many drunken people. "Glad, nows helps mes upss." He said while glomming on to Buffy and trying to pull himself to his feet.

Buffy helped him up and after steadying him began walking back in the direction of his crypt. "where's wee goen?" he slurred. "Back to your crypt, we need ta get you sobered up, I don't have all night ta take care of drunk vampires. Some of us amoung the living have school in the morning." "No, no ,no ,no, no, no, puhwees, pwees, pwees, pwees." Spike begged, looking up at her with mournful eyes. Buffy sighed, "Spike, you have ta be clearer, tell me what you want, I'm not a mind reader." "I dun wanna go bak ter, eyes wants ta be wiz ouuw."

Well, at least he sounded a little better, not much, but she could tell the difference from before. "I'm not bringing you home, remember school tomorrow, besides I have Dawn at home waiting for me." "fwin, ill jus sing tuh ber son til ya let be ten." It was amazing, Spike couldn't even talk properly, but his rendition of the beer song was spot on, and Buffy listened in amusement for a while before it got really irritated and she conceded to take him home with her, thinking that maybe once they got there she could just knock him out and hopefully he'd stay like that for the rest of the night.


	3. Chapter 3

The walk back to Buffy's house was uneventful, that is if you didn't count Spike dancing down the street singing "a spoon full of sugar" at the top of his lungs and making more than a few house lights come on. She managed to effectively shut him up and drag him to the sidewalk and the cover of darkness before any doors started opening. "eww, you just licked my hand! Buffy shrieked. "I no, that kause I cuddn't bit you." Spike said with that silly little smile on his face. "fine I won't put my hand over your mouth anymore, if you'll just keep quiet until we get home." "Kan I wispur." "Urrgh, fine, whisper away."

So for the last few blocks home Spike whispered the tune to "I'm a little tea pot" and danced on the sidewalk. Buffy was just hoping that he'd be so tired when they got back to her house that he would pass out and she wouldn't have to knock him out.

No such luck, on both accounts. Xander, who was baby sitting Dawn and had chosen for some reason to be an evil prick tonight and had given the other evil prick now bouncing around the house singing "macho man" a sugar cookie which Dawn and him had baked while she was out slaying and help neutered vamps not get slayed. Which, now that she thought about it kind of defeated the purpose of slaying if she was constantly helping one?

The other account was foiled when Dawn protested that she would go on a hunger strike if Buffy knocked Spike out. Xander coming in at the worst possible time in the conversation almost actually knocked Spike out himself cause he thought that Dawn was saying that she would go on a hunger strike if Buffy let Spike knock her up. Thankfully that issue was resolved without tissues or flying of fists.

"Grr, Spike, Dawn would you two stop it already, two of us have to go to school in the morning, one of us has work (she glared pointedly at Xander) and one vamp is gonna be extra crispy in the morning if he doesn't stop dancing and singing every stupid song known to man." She said as she did a roundhouse glare at everyone. Everyone had the good grace to look sheepish, even Spike who, in his inebriated state, had enough survival instincts to know when the slayer had been pushed too far. She could still see his feet and his lips moving, and Dawn and Xander smiling at this chance to see Spike looking and acting completely ridiculous.

It actually wasn't very late, at least not in the slayer's household where anytime that she got to bed by two was considered early. So, it was only around 10:30, Buffy had decided too go on her patrol early in hopes that she could make a really early, as in normal people early night of it. No such luck, it really wasn't her night. At least Spike had settled down and thankfully stopped singing and dancing as all three of them had sat down to watch The Scooby Doo movie, which Xander had rented.

Buffy smiled at the thought of the title, they called themselves the Scooby Gang and they were watching the movie that they were name after. maybe this night wasn't gonna be so bad after all. Three of them because Dawn was in the kitchen making popcorn and probably eating half the bowl while putting the toppings on it.

Dawn finally came back into the living room with a surprisingly full bowl of popcorn, she must have popped one and ate the other, Buffy smirked at that thought.

Spike wasn't even slurring his words anymore, apparently all the running around had gotten it out of his system and the popcorn was now soaking up as much of the alcohol as it could. Spike was still incredibly drunk and she figured he had drunk more than twenty times the amount it took to kill a normal human cause this was the drunkest she had ever seen him.

She'd seen him drunk before, well, hell, he was Spike, everyone probably had seen him drunk before. She laughed at that thought too. In the many times she had seen him drunk, he had never sung before or danced. And she was sure that if any of the other people she knew had seen him act like that then she would have known about it one way or another. This truly proved that he had definitely been a million sheets to the wind.

A/N: ha! I did it! I finally completed a multi-chapter story AND I did it all in about 8 hours, not all that time was spent writing, but I'm still very proud of myself and I think I deserve some props. pats self on back yay me!


End file.
